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Post by basstravels on Mar 26, 2007 17:44:46 GMT -5
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Post by basstravels on Mar 27, 2007 14:00:15 GMT -5
Kentucky Jokes Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
STATE OF KENTUCKY RESIDENCY APPLICATION Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (Check appropriate box)
Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Un-employed
Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) __ Total number of vehicles you own __ Number of vehicles that still crank __ Number of vehicles in front yard __ Number of vehicles in back yard __ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know
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Post by basstravels on Mar 27, 2007 14:16:11 GMT -5
Rough KY jokes...
Q. Why isn't the show CSI in Kentucky?
A. Because Kentuckians have no teeth and all have the same DNA.
Q: What do they call a good-looking, intelligent female in Kentucky?
A: A Tourist.
Q: Why didn't the Kentucky man want his son to marry a virgin?
A: Because if she isn't good enough for her brothers, she isn't good enough for our family.
Q. How many Kentuckians does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?
A. Two...one to stir the batter and one to squeeze the rabbit.
Q: What do a divorce in Eastern Kentucky, a tornado in Arkansas, and a Hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.
Q What does a girl in Kentucky say after having sex?
A “Get up dad, you’re smashing my cigarettes!”
Q: What's long and hard on a Kentucky basketball player?
A: First grade
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fran
Full Member
Posts: 216
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Post by fran on Mar 27, 2007 14:56:23 GMT -5
OK buddy boy. Quit pickin' on us. I'll have to look up some Nebraska jokes.
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Post by basstravels on Mar 28, 2007 9:00:19 GMT -5
You Know You're From Nebraska When...
"Vacation" means going to Omaha for the weekend. *** more like commuting in my family
You use your life savings to go to the Nebraska-Colorado game. *** maybe bet on the game... heh
You know the Woodmen Tower is not made of wood.
You know you cannot tube "upstream." *** if you try hard enough...
You know what the "sea of red & white" is *** real college sports! go huskers
You wake up when it's dark, and go to bed when it's still light. *** go to bed??
You can tell it's really a farmer working late in his field, and not a UFO. *** No it's a UFO -- unidentified farming object, heh
You know the difference between field corn and sweet corn when they are still on the stalk. *** oh yeah
You pick up all the free stuff at the State Fair. *** it's been awhile
You can eat an ear of corn with no utensils in less than 20 seconds. *** no problem!
You fly your American flag at halfmast when the Cornhuskers lose a football game. *** It'd be at half mast a lot lately then...
You know how to pronounce Beatrice, Norfolk and Kearney. *** Bee-ay-trice, Nohr-fulk, Keer-knee
You think Highway 6 is more scenic that I-80, which you think is the best thing to come out of Iowa. *** that's the only good.. haha not
You don't understand why other states even bother to try raising beef. *** you can't touch this
You believe that the worst steak in Nebraska is still better than any other steak, anywhere. *** for the most part, that's right
You believe that vegetarians should be banned in Nebraska. *** we usually just eat them....
You don't have to be told what Aksarben is or that it's Nebraska spelled backward. *** races baby, take me to the races
You take pride in knowing that on Saturdays, Memorial stadium is the third largest city in the state. *** in the fall, definitely
Kitty Clover potato chips and Robert's Milk were are the best part of a meal.
You know that the statue on the dome of the state capital is actually sowing seed - not bowling.
You know what a Runza is. *** YES!!!!!!!
You call lunch "dinner" and dinner "supper." *** not guilty ya'll got to feel me
You think it's normal to get a side of spaghetti at a steakhouse. *** chef boyardee all the way
You avoid Omaha because you're afraid of getting mugged. *** definitely
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Nebraska. *** or from Kentucky! Haha
-B
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Post by jandmjones on Mar 28, 2007 11:04:36 GMT -5
BLONDE KIDNAPPER: A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child & demand ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree & wrote a note. " I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7am." Signed, The Blonde She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket & told him to go straight home.... The next morning she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree ,just as she had instructed.. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note: "Here is your money, I cannot believe that one Blonde would do this to another."
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Post by jandmjones on Mar 29, 2007 9:20:44 GMT -5
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her Daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the Daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites Him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes Romantic, and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, and Put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked puzzled.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
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Post by jandmjones on Mar 29, 2007 9:22:05 GMT -5
"Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost $499 or $599 depending on size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them."
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Post by basstravels on Mar 29, 2007 14:10:21 GMT -5
George Bush... real quotes... 'nuff said
10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." --LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000
9) "Let me put it to you bluntly. In a changing world, we want more people to have control over your own life." --Annandale, Va, Aug. 9, 2004
8) "I've reminded the prime minister -- the American people, Mr. Prime Minister, over the past months that it was not always a given that the United States and America would have a close relationship." --Washington, D.C., June 29, 2006
7) "The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off." --Second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004
6) "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda." --Greece, N.Y., May 24, 2005
5) "They misunderestimated me." --Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000
4) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" --Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000
3) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." --Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004
2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." --Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
1) "There ought to be limits to freedom." --Response to a parody web site, May 1999.
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Post by jandmjones on Mar 30, 2007 6:48:32 GMT -5
One day, Rick and Tubby decided to get together and play a round of 18 holes. Later in the round, the two finally reach the 14th hole. Tubby taps in his putt and suddenly, without hesitation, grabs his ball, bag,
and begins to walk back to the clubhouse.
Pitino was puzzled and wondered why Tubby just quit playing and left?
Curiously, Pitino yells to Tubby, "Where are you going? We aren't finished playing yet?!?"
To which Tubby replies, "Rick, you know I don't do the final four."
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Post by basstravels on Mar 30, 2007 12:54:52 GMT -5
An accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows... he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Colorado, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."
The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Nebraska, and they taught us not to piss on our hands."
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Post by jandmjones on Apr 23, 2007 10:39:38 GMT -5
Warning - Lock Your Doors!
Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!
An Ottawa man was found in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk, sugar, and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his butt.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
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Post by basstravels on Jun 20, 2007 10:34:54 GMT -5
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
The Teacher fainted.
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Post by beccasdancingagain on Jul 21, 2007 9:12:50 GMT -5
> Home Grown in Kentucky > > Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for > six days. > > Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting on the > seventh day. > He inquired of God, "Where have You been?" > > God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed > downwards through the clouds, > > "Look Michael, look what I've made!" > > Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" > > "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. > I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a great place of > balance." > > "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. > > God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, > > "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great > opportunity and > wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle > East over > there will be a hot spot. And over there I've placed a continent > of white > people, while over here is a continent of black people." > > God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be > > extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and > covered in ice." > > The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large > land > mass and said, "What's that one?" > > "Ah," said God. "That's Kentucky, the most glorious place on > earth. > There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. > The people from Kentucky are going to be modest, intelligent and > humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They > will be > extremely sociable, hard working, and high achieving, and they > will be known > throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." > > Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, > "What about > balance, God? You said there would be balance!" > > God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting > around > them in Indiana, Ohio, and Tennessee." > > Only someone who has grown up in Kentucky will forward this!!!
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Post by basstravels on Dec 4, 2007 19:05:57 GMT -5
A pirate walks into a bar, looking quite annoyed, walks up to the bartender, and orders a drink. Everyone in the bar looks at him strangely, because he has a steering wheel attached to the crotch of his pants. No one dares mention it until after the pirate has had a couple drinks, and seems to be feeling slightly more jovial.
"Excuse me for asking, sir, " says the bartender, "But I can't help but wonder why you have a steering wheel attached to the crotch of your pants."
"Arrrrr! It's drrriving me nuts!"
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