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Post by basstravels on Feb 26, 2007 10:53:24 GMT -5
Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink.
The president of Budweiser orders a Bud.
Miller's president orders a Millers.
The president of Coors orders a Coors.
When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda.
>>Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks?
Nah, Guinness replies.
If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.
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Post by basstravels on Feb 27, 2007 13:43:55 GMT -5
Yo mama's so fat....
I had to take two buses and a train to get on her good side!
She was baptized at Sea World!
She eats Wheat Thicks!
She fell in love and broke it!
Even her clothes have stretch marks!
She went to the movies and sat next to everyone!
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Post by basstravels on Feb 28, 2007 9:38:00 GMT -5
A man was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later, the man was back at the doctor's complaining that his constipation had gotten worse, not better.
The doctor asked, "Have you been taking the suppositories?"
"What do you think I've been doing," said the fellow, "Shoving them up my butt?"
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Post by basstravels on Feb 28, 2007 13:51:48 GMT -5
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter. The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead. The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care." St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "You can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
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Post by basstravels on Feb 28, 2007 13:57:23 GMT -5
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One cannibal turns to the other and asks,
"This taste funny to you?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you keep a jackass in suspense?
I'll let you know tomorrow!
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Post by natdaddy on Mar 6, 2007 9:40:06 GMT -5
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
Okay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. Th e policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks this was truly amazing.
"I've got to ask them what their secret is."
As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
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Post by basstravels on Mar 6, 2007 12:03:37 GMT -5
haha I love it! Nice, Natdaddy p dizzle.
Straight outta compton, old school style:
A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.
Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."
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Post by basstravels on Mar 7, 2007 15:29:49 GMT -5
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
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Post by basstravels on Mar 7, 2007 15:31:35 GMT -5
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Post by basstravels on Mar 8, 2007 10:33:55 GMT -5
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Post by basstravels on Mar 9, 2007 9:50:06 GMT -5
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Post by natdaddy on Mar 13, 2007 14:32:54 GMT -5
3 tampons were walking down the street, a tampax, kotex, and generic. which one says HI to you first?
None of them........................they're all stuck up b itc hes!
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Post by basstravels on Mar 13, 2007 21:46:00 GMT -5
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."
You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
5 . She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
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Post by natdaddy on Mar 16, 2007 14:55:44 GMT -5
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
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Post by natdaddy on Mar 21, 2007 9:56:26 GMT -5
The Man Laws
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Halle Berry starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss' car. (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". (e) When she is using her teeth.
3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flagellate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach .. and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.
25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29. Pull out
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
We hope this clears up any confusion. The International Council of Manhood, Ltd
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