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Post by jandmjones on Feb 7, 2007 14:24:09 GMT -5
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old Pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
Smile, God Loves You!!!
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Post by jandmjones on Feb 8, 2007 9:53:25 GMT -5
The Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same After That Gay Cowboy Movie
1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!" 2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!" 3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before." 4. "Howdy, pardner." 5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind." 6. Two words: "Saddle Sore." 7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hands, reeeal slow-like." 8. "Let's mount up!" 9. "Nice spread what ya got there!" 10. "Ride'em cowboy!"
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Post by natdaddy on Feb 8, 2007 15:38:00 GMT -5
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, & Muldoon went to the parish priest & asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, there's no tellin' what they believe; maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "Father, I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, & great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up 2 college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them 3 times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Old man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Old Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Old Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."
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Post by jandmjones on Feb 10, 2007 19:18:21 GMT -5
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for moment, then answered,
"Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars..............but Realistically........ we're living with two sluts and a queer
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Post by jandmjones on Feb 10, 2007 19:20:46 GMT -5
That's funny, they weren't "very friendly persons" in my other version.
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Post by jandmjones on Feb 12, 2007 10:17:23 GMT -5
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Post by nate on Feb 16, 2007 13:03:00 GMT -5
this was posted as a bulletin today so i thought i'd share....
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father". The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that". The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest getting impatient said "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said: "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar".
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Post by jandmjones on Feb 20, 2007 10:19:04 GMT -5
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her thermos, and began to cut yet another hole.
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK
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Post by jandmjones on Feb 21, 2007 12:16:27 GMT -5
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long, "he says as they drive away."Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbe d her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"..................
The cabby hit a parked car
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Post by basstravels on Feb 21, 2007 12:28:18 GMT -5
Nothing quite like knowing you're back to work at the office -- which happens to be located inside of Wal-Mart -- as when you have an experience like this.
I walked in the men's restroom, going towards a urinal.
Suddenly this really loud fart/splash sound emanated from the bathroom and a guy started giggling like a little girl. Moments later a digital reproduction was echoing from the stall, over and over again while the guy laughed furiously. While I was washing my hands, he came out of the stall laughing and said it was his new ringer he set for when his parents call.
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fran
Full Member
Posts: 216
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Post by fran on Feb 21, 2007 18:41:42 GMT -5
That is just so wrong. One more reason why I avoid public restrooms!
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Post by basstravels on Feb 22, 2007 9:29:57 GMT -5
From the canned sardine department:
Why are fish so easy to weigh?
>They have their own scales.
Why are fish so smart?
>They live in schools.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shakes?
>A nervous wreck.
I have provided this so everyone meets their nutritional requirement in corn today.
Heh.. -BT
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Post by natdaddy on Feb 22, 2007 14:19:56 GMT -5
Why Men Have Better Friends
Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
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Post by jandmjones on Feb 23, 2007 7:51:33 GMT -5
Born a Baptist Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.
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Post by basstravels on Feb 23, 2007 11:55:44 GMT -5
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
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