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Post by natdaddy on Jan 26, 2007 13:50:25 GMT -5
where did you learn all those sweet moves..Just got told two more of my friends are going.. The night keeps getting better and better
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Post by natdaddy on Jan 26, 2007 14:48:15 GMT -5
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Post by natdaddy on Jan 26, 2007 14:48:30 GMT -5
hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
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drumsadeconga
Junior Member
I'm going to blow up your earth!!!
Posts: 62
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Post by drumsadeconga on Jan 31, 2007 10:32:01 GMT -5
sex jokes....these are soooooo cornnnnnny!
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A. A navel.
Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breath through something so small?
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other? A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!
Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys? A. We'd eat peaches every Thanksgiving.
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Post by jandmjones on Jan 31, 2007 13:41:25 GMT -5
It is the time of year when stories of a man and his humanity are important to share..... I truly love this story and it will surely bring a tear to your eye! I know it did mine. In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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Post by jandmjones on Feb 1, 2007 9:09:02 GMT -5
This biker has always dreamed of owning a brand new Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money, so he goes down to the dealer to trade in his old rusty Harley on a brand new model. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick to keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine.
He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on this Harley and they ride to her parents house.
Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner, everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes.
After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.
Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.
Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks.
By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
The father jumps up and says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
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fran
Full Member
Posts: 216
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Post by fran on Feb 1, 2007 10:19:29 GMT -5
Oh Michael, those are baaaaadddd!
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Post by jandmjones on Feb 1, 2007 10:40:18 GMT -5
baaaaaaad? don't make me break out the sheep jokes:)
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Post by nate on Feb 1, 2007 10:52:29 GMT -5
hehehehe....gutter talk. i love it
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Post by jandmjones on Feb 2, 2007 8:04:53 GMT -5
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season New York Giant's tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
The cabby replied; "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold."
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Post by jandmjones on Feb 3, 2007 19:38:55 GMT -5
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate One day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the Trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their Nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and Backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her Yelling. "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard Pictures doing here by the road??" asks the Officer...
"Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
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Post by jandmjones on Feb 5, 2007 9:36:18 GMT -5
Definitions for the guys
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to further round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, also referred to as mechanic's lube, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
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Post by nate on Feb 5, 2007 13:41:04 GMT -5
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good? A. Give it a nipple.
Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? A. Fur traders.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? A. When his hand caught on fire.
Q. Why do female skydivers wear jock straps? A. So they don't whistle on the way down.
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drumsadeconga
Junior Member
I'm going to blow up your earth!!!
Posts: 62
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Post by drumsadeconga on Feb 6, 2007 9:34:02 GMT -5
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to bang your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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Post by natdaddy on Feb 6, 2007 17:09:21 GMT -5
THE MAILMAN'S LAST DAY
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift
envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde
in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the
door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom
where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever
experienced.
When he had had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed
orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar
for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to
give you." He said, "Screw him - - - give him a dollar." The blonde then
blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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